I am a police officer and a few weeks ago my partner died in the line of duty. He was shot and killed on my watch. I knew him for over 10 years, and we started at the academy together. When he died, I was asked to take a leave of absence to cope with his death. I replay his death over and over to see what I could have done differently. I’m feeling anxiety and anger. It is difficult to talk to anyone else who knew him. Is this PTSD? What can I do?
USICO Healthcare 
Thank you for your question about whether your feelings of anxiety and anger following the recent death of your partner under your watch are symptoms of PTSD.
I’d like to start by thanking you for your service and dedication to safeguarding society. I was a criminal justice admin major at SDSU before moving towards psychology and medicine.
Your experiences are not unlike those of military personnel and other first responders and therefore, my reply will take this into account.
So, with that I would like to say that one key factor to your road to recovery is to find a counselor who has experience with law enforcement or corrections.
The good news is that PTSD is treatable and so you can expect that you will be able to return to your former self, and perhaps even make strides to learn from this experience in ways that will improve your life. You may even be able to help others in the future who are suffering as you are now.
The flip side to this is the case where you do not seek help, and your symptoms worsen. This is analogous to having a minor correctable heart condition that left untreated leads to other pathologies.
With my reply I will provide some links that I consider to be helpful.
Please take the time to look at them carefully. While there is no quick fix to this, all the knowledge you collect will help in your recovery. Naturally, not all of the symptoms will apply to your situation, but I expect you will learn a great deal about your condition and ways to cope.
LINKS
1. A police officer and a therapist discussion about Police PTSD
http://www.aaets.org/article132.htm
2. PTSD symptoms
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967
3. Temporary medication
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/basics/treatment/con-20022540
VIDEO
1. Police officer deals with PTSD with the VA.
The truth about PTSD is that it often takes many months to years to overcome. But you will not necessarily need to take medication, and if you do need to, it could be only for a short while as is explained in the first article I shared with you.
I urge you to seek either face to face or online help as you will greatly speed up your recovery process. You will be given tools with which to deal with your anxiety and anger.
It may be that you will only need to meet with that therapist once or twice per month.
One more thing, I hope that you try to speak to others who know your partner. This is a very powerful therapeutic aid to your recovery.
Thank you, and I hope for your recovery to begin as soon as possible.
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